Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Interrupting Insecurities

If you're coming over here from JumpingJE - cool, you're ahead of the curve.

If you're here just because you love the wisdom I muster up on Tuesdays, read below:

I know that there's something wrong with my priorities when yesterday (on a day off from work) I almost skimmed over a beautiful piece of writing because at first glance it looked "too long". 

"Too long" because it only had one photo and no gifs. "Too long" because it wasn't a list and it wasn't the usual shit-show I like to entertain myself with in this carefree blog world. "Too long" because it wasn't a weekend recap.

The real tragedy was that I skimmed the first few sentences and went to the bottom where I could enter my comment and was going to say something like "Lady, you're going to look amazing in your wedding dress!".

I don't know what stopped me from hitting the "post comment" button but I'm glad I did - because I would have missed out on a beautifully vulnerable girl sharing her beautifully vulnerable story.

So, if you have a few minutes to spare today - first read what I read yesterday - then you're allowed to continue on.

The inspiration for my words, like Caitlin's, comes from trying on a piece of clothing.

A bathing suit.

Not only did I try on a bathing suit that I bought in high school this weekend, I did something terrifying...

I posted the photo of myself in said bathing suit to the i n t e r n e t.


It was "show your progress" day in a private fitness group I run on Facebook and time to show my results over the past three weeks. When I took the "after" photo and placed it side by side with the "before" photo, I saw the results. The results I was proud of. The results that told me I'm on the right path. The results I can feel when I put my pants on and that I can feel in my newfound energy. (Not results that a scale would have told me, by the way.)

But those results still didn't feel "good enough".

My insecurities immediately looked past the girl who had a more defined waist and looked straight to the girl who still felt like her hips were too big. The girl who has strong and beautiful arms could only see the tasteful side-boob which she perceived as the dreaded spill-over. The girl who gets complimented on her legs/quads could only see the "knee fat" that is obviously impossible to spot reduce.

The negative voice in my head crippled me.

The thought of posting the photo (to a private group) made me feel like a failure.

A failure because I looked better than I did three weeks ago? A failure because I'm not where I want to be yet? A failure because I let my mind interrupt the happy feels I should have been experiencing?

What crippled me further was the thought of what I would do when I actually have to wear this bathing suit out in public - this bathing suit that proved I haven't gone bikini shopping since high school. This proof that made me realize that high school is the last time I was in a pool in a bikini rather than wearing a sports bra / running shorts combo because I "forgot to pack my suit" or "didn't want to get my hair wet".

What bothered me most was that the insecurity I felt was outweighing the pride I was supposed to be feeling.

The pride I had earned.

So like the brave woman I aspire to be, I put it out there. I let myself be vulnerable. I took a risk.

And I still live today to tell the tale.

I'm adult enough to know that this isn't the last of my insecurities - but I can bet they'll be losing more battles than they win.

 photo JessiFitPdxmesig.png


  1. Beautiful post hun! I have many insecurities and I won some battles and lose others. That's life. Thanks so much for this (and for the post you linked to)

  2. i think we all have insecurities but what gives me confidence is that i work on mine and don't let them define me. what i perceive as 'physical flaws' don't define who i am. i know the human body is incredible - i made and had a freaking baby and that in itself goes to show just how strong, resilient and tough the human body really is. i focus on the inside more than the outside. you'd think that by now i'd be ripped a la jillian michaels given the length and amount of time/work i put forth but i'm not. do my muscles bulge if i just stand there? not really. do i want them to? yes. but then there's that fine balance of life vs strict fitness regime. i could go back to watching my caloric intake to get shredded or i could relax and enjoy life and where i am/how hard i've worked. i prefer the latter and i focus on the fact that it's my heart and organs that keep me alive, not the size of my waist or the size of my bicep. i think we focus too much on the outside vs what's really going on on the inside.

    i don't know where i'm going with this comment other than it's a long way of saying that this is a great post and thanks for sharing :)

    Vodka and Soda

  3. Okay so this might be a bit of a Come to Jesus comment but here goes...

    JESSI. You are adorable and honestly, many, many women (me included) would love to look like you on your WORST day. On your bloated, PMS, no-make-up sweaty days. Because the grass is always greener and we always think we can and should be better. I applaud you for taking time to look better and feel better and love seeing your commitment and I am so happy you're seeing progress - these are all good things - but remember that inner Jessi is important, too! The inner Jessi who will always be there, once you get wrinkles and have babies (if you choose to do so, whole 'nother topic) and have less time in your life for fitness. It sounds like inner Jessi is so rich in character and fully developed that you could look like a hobbit on the outside and it wouldn't matter because what's inside is awesome. So I know it comes naturally as a woman, but don't focus too hard on those perceived insecurities with your appearance - just keep going with how great you are, inside and out!

  4. Great post lady! I am just as insecure too. It's so frustrating not being able to see the progress I've made, but to only see what I have YET to get done. You keep motivating me though, so thank you for that. Keep working hard lady, you'll do amazing.

  5. I think everyone has insecurities (I know I do!) but the important thing is not obsessing over those insecurities or letting them take over the things you love about yourself. And definitely not letting those insecurities keep you from doing (or wearing!) something you love! Great post girl, thanks for sharing!

    <3, Pamela

  6. THANK you for sharing that post, and then your own. Amazing topic, this was very encouraging :)

  7. This is a great post! I believe everyone has insecurities (I know I do too!)! You're beautiful lady and such an inspiration! Thank you for your honesty and openness :-)

  8. bloody hell woman, why for you make me cry so early in the morning? first her post now this one. im a blubbering mess. i walked into VS the other day and walked straight back out. i am too insecure right now to wear a bikini, and i know its stupid. but all i see in the mirror are my failures as well. you should be super proud of yourself, and rock that bikini. i am 100% positive you look amazing!

  9. Dude... I couldn't even fit a fucking PINKY in a suit from high school! haha
    You are FAR from a failure, my friend. You win every time you do something good for yourself. Every time you take a step closer (be it a baby step or a leap) towards your goal. Every time you share something like this (or like that picture) that will inspire others to take steps as well, and know that they're not alone when they're doing it.
    Love you girl! :)

  10. definitely with you on the insecurity days but just the fact that you posted the pics is awesome! We're our own worse critics! And knee fat??? I didn't know this was even a thing!! You're beautiful girl! Keep it up!!

  11. From what I have seen for you look great. We all have insecurities. For me it my stomach. Also the fact I can't fit in to a lot of my pants but since 2 weeks ago. I have change the way I'm eating and working out 6 days a week. So I know deep in me I will get back to where I was last year at this time.

  12. Girl, you inspire me. I have been on this crazy "get healthy & fit" journey and I share the same insecurities. I can feel so good about myself one day then I step in that dressing room and try on that bikini and break down over the cellulite I can't seem to get rid of. I'm learning lately to let that be my fuel, to work harder and push more! I know I'm getting better too, because now it's easier for me to say "yes Mia, but look how far you've come!" We are definitely our own worst critics, think positive girl! You look great! Keep posting those sweaty pics, they make me want to SWEAT too :)

  13. I love how open and honest you are with your struggles.We all have something that we obsess over, things that other people probably don't even notice, like your "knee fat" for example. It's inspiring to see you step out of your comfort zone (and live to tell the tale!)

  14. I read the post about the wedding dress insecurities.. And... well, since I'm getting married in about 5 months... (more or less).. I feel for that girl.

    I was 55 pounds heavier last February... and even though I know I have made tremendous progress, and that I am more physically fit than I have ever been.. there are those moments where the insecurities do take over... And I have to figuratively slap it out of me.

    Oh, and as for the bathing suit you had from high school. I have one of those too... and this is the year it's going to fit... and this is the year it's going to look 1000000% better than it did back in HS.

    Thanks for this post.
    You rock my socks.


  15. I'm going to start this off with the fact that you are a beautiful person inside and out. I just wanted to remind you :) Everyone has insecurities, but most people let them define them and they don't do anything about it. You on the other hand are facing them head on and working to get rid of them. For that I applaud you. I wish everyone had your drive! I've worked with so many women struggling with their body image, yet they wouldn't put in the work to do something about it. Which drove me nuts. Oh, I also love how honest and open you are about everything!

  16. excellent post. as women we battle with our insecurities on the regular. it's so tough. and i battle with mine daily. but this is a good reminder to keep at it and love yourself!

  17. You look awesome! I think everyone has insecurities that we notice/obsess over, but no one else does. I'm so happy you were able to overcome yours and post that picture!

  18. We all have our insecurities. No matter if we are 100 lbs or 200 lbs. Short or tall. Blonde or brunette. Toned or not toned. Wrinkles and blemishes or perfect skin. There is always something that we are going to find flawed about ourselves no matter how hard we work. It is just how it is. Grass is greener on the other wise. Or, as soon as I get to "x" point...then I am going to be happy. Girl...you are such an inspiration to so many people. You should be damn proud of your accomplishments! You are beautiful and I hope you see that in the girl looking back at you in the mirror.

  19. Jessi Girl, You are beautiful and that doesn't come from my "Mom" place. We share the same insecurities and that is no mistake. I love you. Women seem to hold on to their "skinny" pants that we use to measure ourselves and to test if we're worthy. It's that self torture we think we deserve. Let's go find you a new bikini that you LOVE that represents who you are. I'm so proud of you for getting strong and healthy. The best is yet to come.

  20. First of all, so happy you kept reading (though I have definitely been known for closing out of a blog post because it seem too long haha)!! Making progress is such a tricky thing too. You can physically see the definition, strength, and form your new body has taken, but you're still so intimate with what you've always felt you need to hide and you get impatient as you wait to see more results. I've also been posting pictures in a private forum for the past week to track my progress and I keep hearing the same thing from others there too. But here's the thing, a "perfect" body doesn't exist. Perfection is perceived, so it's not perfection that we need to strive for, it's the definition of perfection that needs to change. Besides, you're already someone's idea of "perfection," so think of that and smile :)

  21. I love watching you grow and progress I feel like I am on this journey with you! The writing in this post is beautiful. The courage it takes to put yourself out there is inspiring and I know it influences so many others! xoxoxoxo

  22. proud of you lady. so, so proud :)

  23. You're kickin' ass woman!! Don't let a dumb bathing suit stop you..(I know it won't anyways!)
    Thanks for being such a great encouragement to all of us readers!

  24. Awesome, awesome post! And a good reminder that I let my insecurities speak out loud far too often. So glad you posted it anyway, so maybe next time I'll do something anyway.

  25. We all have insecurities and good for you for confronting them! I had to laugh when I read the sentence about the knee fat because that is definitely only something we would think about OURSELVES! You are beautiful and don't let anyone/anything (dang swimsuits) convince you otherwise!

  26. You inspire me, lady! Getting older and the metabolism slowing down but remembering what I used to look like boils insecurities left and right. And the worst thing is even though I have the best of intentions, I don't make it a priority to exercise. I start and take a two week break because I get busy but I need to be consistent. You are fit an fabulous and totally not a failure. Thanks for sharing your journey!!


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